tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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