If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
