i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
