Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
did you just send me my own nude
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
