The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have fence marks all over my body
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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