So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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