put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
