my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
