dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
