I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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