I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
