I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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