I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
