I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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