apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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