How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
