Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
