Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
