how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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