I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
