I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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