my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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