I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize