Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
