can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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