I'm drive I can fine osifer
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
