but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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