I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
