I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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