so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize