you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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