so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
