I have demons in me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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