using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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