After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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