tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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