hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
