The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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