we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
