Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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