Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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