i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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