Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Two words: blizzard sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
