I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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