Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
