i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
