I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
