Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
