If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
