at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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