I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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