he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
