Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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