I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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