I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
