Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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