you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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