I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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