Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
