New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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